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@SkinnerSteven: JOCKEY: "Watch me whip"
HORSE: "Watch me neigh neigh"
@LosLos__: Wife: Is that a pencil in your pocket, or are you just...
Me: It's a piece of toast.
@10InchesPlus: Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
@B0niferd: My swimsuit told me to go to the gym today but my sweatpants were like nah girl you're good.
@shutupmikeginn: You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
@TheCareBare: Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.