JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
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Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend