JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
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Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Raisins are grape jerky.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.