Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
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CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
doing some research
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
everyone has that one prude friend
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night