Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
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Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt