Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
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Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.