If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
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In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute