@BuckyIsotope: Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
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@andreeahluscu: Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.
@lazy_joe_: "Yes, waiter, why does it say "there ain't no rats in it" next to the lasagna?": Cause there ain't no rats in it "But why woul AIN'T NO RATS
@SuperRandomish: [Morgan Freeman narrating my life] *extended period of silence* "What the hell am I supposed to do with this..."