Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
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I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running