*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
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Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what