What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
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Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.