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Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door