I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
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Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.