Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
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You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a