Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
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I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.