I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
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You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)