Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
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what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
The fall of Netflix
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Squirrels before girls.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.