@boring_as_heck: Joe was really good at making movie trailers. There was just one problem *car honk* he didn't have access to the record scratch sound effect
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@MrGeorgeWallace: I'm just sayin', corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
@wesjohnson8: My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
@AndrewNadeau0: PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps. ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns? PROFESSOR: What? ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it? PROFESSOR: That’s not- ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
@briancthayer: Wife: Could you be dehydrated? Me: Of course not. W: How much water have you had? Me: Two coffees & a bourbon. W: Wow. Me: Told you.