Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
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You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
That was easy.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Basketball
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine