Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
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Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Best seat on the street 😍
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I feel this so hard
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.