[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
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The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
My life coach traded me.
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