My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
You Might Also Like
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
This will teach them to underestimate me
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.