if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
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I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.