Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
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Lol.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
There is no try. There is only give up.
men, we mow at sunrise.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
This will never not be funny to me.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.