“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies