Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
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Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
No selfies while hijacking a train.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.