uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
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Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.