@nickcreelman: Jogging, but with a car.
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@burnie: Interviewer: what qualifies you to be an Uber driver? *Candidate tells rambling 5 hour story* Interviewer: you're just what we need
@david8hughes: [at work] "Mornin, Margaret." "Mornin. You're late today." [looks at watch] "Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?"
@KentWGraham: A woman saying "I'm not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won’t feel a thing."