Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
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Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
yeet
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full