[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right