“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
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How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Twitter is an abusement park.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose