@Ameiam: Jogging has never helped my memory.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar? Me: You don't have a job. How will you pay me back? 5: Me: 5: I'll borrow another dollar.
@3sunzzz: H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one. Me: H: Oh, and it came with this 75" television.
@mydmac: According to the law it's not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
@Reverend_Scott: Thinking about having kids? Buy a plant. If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you're too old to have kids by then.