Jogging has never helped my memory.
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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??