Jogging has never helped my memory.
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Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden