are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
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[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
*eats only grass-fed donuts
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.