Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?