Jogging
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
love it when they get my name right
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.