*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
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Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
concern
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register