I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
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Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
oh you wanna fight?!
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that