@Piecezilla: [Jogs to a halt in front of you minutes after a fire truck passes]That guy's (panting) never gonna sell any fire (panting) driving that fast
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@Donna_McCoy: The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
@killlmefam: *On Ellen* ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die ME: haha yeah sometimes *Death appears, sneaks up behind me* ME: omg ellen you didnt
@Alex_N_Chains: Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.