Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
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Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”