Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
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Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Thank you corporation very cool
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-