JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!