JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
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5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
We found love in a hopeless place.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.