John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
You Might Also Like
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.