John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
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wishing you and yours all the best
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Beware of fowl play.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism