This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
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FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING