Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
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Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.