Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
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“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
best review i’ve ever seen
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown