JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
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I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Home is where your toilet is.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal