John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
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I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder