John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
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Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
BaD BoY!!
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.