John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
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“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.