John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
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The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*